The Gift-Giver

The first flower I ever received was a lone carnation. I went home one day after class and it was hanging on my doorknob.

I was confused. I thought it was a joke until the days passed and the identity of my gift-giver was revealed.

A single flower doesn't seem like much. As I see it now, I know the effort that placed that flower there was worth much more than its price.  It was the element of surprise and thought that made it special. He hoped I would be curious.  He hoped he would make me smile. He hoped that my answer in the end would be a yes. When I think of  the gifts I received from this person, that lone flower stands out because that first step took the most guts. 

This encounter, similar situations, and our current church series on love made me realize a few things about relationships.  I am no expert on love...far from it! But if you find some wisdom in what is written here, I pray that it will be a wisdom that comes from God.

  

Women are designed to be pursued and men are designed to pursue.  I loved being pursued. It made me feel even more beautiful. And I know he loved pursuing me. It made him want to best himself day after day.  If I had pursued him, I know I would have felt insecure about the relationship. Pursuit is a public act of courage for men.  It doesn't hide in the conveniences of "mutual understanding" or "friends with benefits". Call me a sexist, but I don't believe in men and women who say that it doesn't matter if it's the man or the woman who pursues.  I believe that men were designed for the adventure of pursuit. Unfortunately, some of them are content with the thrill of video games and action movies to fulfill this craving for adventure.  I also believe that women want to be pursued. Unfortunately, some of us lower our standards because we simply can't wait or we're pressured by society. 

The intention of pursuit must be clear.  If you're not being pursued with marriage in mind, then ask yourself, what is the pursuit for?  Are you willing to share your deepest desires, your grandest vision, and your divine calling with a person who doesn't think of you as forever?  Where would you be when you realize that after sharing yourself with this person, that person thinks of you as disposable?   

Friendship is the foundation.  Pursuit can consume us and make us blind to the faults of a person. But if you build on your friendship first, you'll enter pursuit with more wisdom.  You'll know that you're not pursuing and being pursued just because of physical attributes or common interests. You'll see how each other is with friends and family.  You can reflect if you can stomach waking up with this person day after day. You'll know if you can work together.  You'll know if you can decide to love and forgive even when faults have been revealed.

The pursuit is committed and exclusive. A man who is serious about you will pursue you and only you. He won't be pursuing other women while pursuing you. This is why friendship is all the more important. Friendship gives you time to develop this kind of  love that leads to marriage. This love has romantic attractions and desires; but it is also self-sacrificing, committed, responsible, and exclusive.

Jesus comes first. The bible says, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. It's you, him/her, and God. The thread that binds you together should be Jesus.  It's not enough that he/she believes in God. Even the devil knows the Lord. The question is, does this person actually have a relationship with the Jesus of the Bible? As Christians, our eyes should be fixed on Jesus. If your eyes are fixed on Jesus, and his/her eyes are fixed on something else, then how can it work out?  If someone is not for Jesus, then who is he/she for? Someone has to give to make the relationship work. Before you know it, you'll be compromising for the sake of "love".   Can you really be with someone who can't pray with you? What standards will you use to raise your children?

  

Men can have courage in the knowledge that they are the sons of the One who pursues us with abandon. They also have the courage to pursue. And we women, we can rest in the knowledge that we are loved no matter what.

As a woman, I had a tendency to feel ugly and unloved when I wasn't being pursued.  But this was until I realized that I am being pursued by the best Lover of all. Unlike other men, He is perfect. Unlike other men, He can complete me.  He told me, you were separated from me because of sin, but if you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth that I am Lord, then you will be saved. 

I can only decide to say yes, because Jesus pursued me first with utter abandon. He pursued me even while I was a sinner.  He wasn't turned off by my faults. Instead, He chose to forgive and tell me that I am being sanctified in His love. To prove His love for me and His hatred for everything that separates me from Him, He withstood shame and torture.  My first love gave me flowers to win me over. The One Who First Loved Me gave me the cross. 

What man can give you the same gift?  Only a man that is filled by the same Love. If he/she understands this like you do, you can be strengthened. You can be filled and refilled. You can be forgiving and patient and kind and humble.  Choose the One who pursues you everyday.  Choose the Ultimate Gift-Giver. Choose the Perfect Love.

Singleness: When you're single in a married world

In our culture and society, singleness seems to be acceptable only until your early twenties. I have had someone ask me, "What's wrong with you?" when he learned that I was still single. When you're single and people think it's high-time for you to get married, you can expect:

- people telling you to lower your standards
- matchmaking schemes 
- people telling you you're way past calendar age
- being pressured, because you might not have a child anymore
- being called an old maid
- feeling ugly or embarrassed
- feeling that every guy that comes along and pays you attention is a "prospect"

Some people who tell you these things or seem to make you feel bad have good intentions of course.  The married and in-a-relationship ones want you to feel the same happiness they are experiencing.  Parents and family members want to ensure that the good genes get passed on.  In short, people just want everyone, including you, to be happy.

It makes you wonder though, is singleness inferior to the married life? Because of worldly standards, single godly men and women have the tendency to compromise their godly standards.  We settle for men or women who are ungodly just so we wouldn't be lonely or feel bad because everyone around us is married or going there.  Or we date around, giving pieces of our hearts to each and every guy that comes along.  

It is a challenge for singles to remain pure physically, emotionally and spiritually. But with God's grace it is possible.  The only standards worth thinking about are the standards of God. 

"Single" is not an inferior status compared to "married"

Singleness, if anything, is a gift.  Some people are called to marriage, some people are called to singleness. The Bible does not have a "dating" status.   If you're not married, you're single.  One day, you might get married.  But until then, you're single.   The apostle Paul said that it is good for widows and the unmarried to stay single.     

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

 
Does this contradict the Adam and Eve story?  After all, God gave Adam a helpmate, Eve, because he saw that it wasn't good for man to be alone.  No.  Both singleness and marriage is a gift. Paul did not have to worry about the stresses of marriage. He could devote his time to ministry and to God. But some people function better with a tag team partner.  They can also glorify God through their relationship and their family.


Don't let singleness become the devil's foothold

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  He tells you that you're ugly, that you're worthless, that you're lonely. He robs you of your joy in Christ. It's also tempting to remain in or get into an ungodly relationship, or to question God when you've been single for a long time. But having a boyfriend is not the standard for you to live a full life.  Jesus Christ is the only requirement for a full life.  Are you ready to compromise Jesus Christ for a boyfriend or a husband?

2 Corinthians 6:14 

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The only eternal relationship is our relationship with God 

Our relationships on earth are temporary.  We value them and treasure them, because with them, we glorify God.  In the end though, our relationship with God is only one that will last.

Mark 12:25 

For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

Matthew 22:29-30 

But Jesus answered them, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

It's all about God

Faith comes when we remove the focus on ourselves and focus on the God who watches over us.  Whatever status we are in -- single or married -- the point is to glorify Him. Remember God's faithfulness.  It's easy to choose a tangible person over God when God is not a personal God. But when we remember the cross and what He did to win us over, everything else fades away.  Are you single?  You are not alone.

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord. ~ Hosea 2:19-20

Ludy

Sunday morning service is a pleasure.  There's an air of solemnity and also a thriving anticipation of basking in God's presence.  I was sitting there by my lonesome, praying, when one of our church's ushers  plopped down on the seat next to me.  Her name was Ludy, she said.  She was small, elderly but sprightly, with an energetic twinkle in her eye.  She looked like a cool grandma.

She asked me if I was already part of a bible study group, and when I said yes, she proceeded to engage me in small talk.  She was married, for 41 years, and she and her husband were excited to go on a road trip to a hotel which had a spectacular view of the Sierra Madre Mountains. I couldn't help but feel amazed with this sixty-ish woman, who was still excited about life and about her plans and about her husband and about God.  I know many couples who just give up after a few years of marriage, and I always feel like rejoicing when married people stay married out of love.  I've also known people who at 50, feel like life has already passed them by.  Ludy was different, and I felt her passion for life just seeping through me before that early Sunday church service.

Just when we heard the first strains from the guitar and violin, Ludy jumped up. She had to welcome the other attendees in and direct them to their seats.  She said goodbye, and was about to leave me when she paused in remembrance of something.  "Wait, let me pray for you.", she said quickly. "What do you want to pray for?"  Before I could open my mouth to answer, this beautiful lady cut in and said, "A husband? Let's pray for a husband."  I didn't have time to protest.  Ludy placed a hand on my arm and rushed into spontaneous prayer, "Lord, I pray that Gaby will meet a husband.  Let him be a Christian, responsible, and handsome."

Then Ludy was gone, leaving me smiling at her unexpected prayer.

Amen.