Dealing with change

I can't adjust easily to changes. I guess it's because I form attachments slowly yet deeply. These past  days, I've been feeling as if the people I love most dearly have been changing so much. It scared me to feel that I'm being left behind. But a discussion with my sister one afternoon reminded me that it's normal for people to change. We can't be swept away by our constantly changing feelings.

If you feel the same way I do, I encourage you to celebrate the positive changes in your loved ones' lives and to mourn with them when situations make a turn for the worst. Even if people change, stay true. Rather than create walls to protect yourself from the pain of change, love deeply. Don't take people for granted, because you never know when they'll have to say goodbye.

Most of all, remember to fix your eyes on Jesus. Through Him, you can hold on to the hope that the big and important words -- commitment, loyalty, faithfulness, love -- remain big and important. He remains faithful even if you are faithless. He loves you in your confusion, pain, sadness, fear, and distress until you can be still and attain a peace that transcends all understanding.  Even in change, you can rely on a steady anchor and a steadfast love.

Know therefore that the Lord your God is God, the faithful God  who keeps covenant and steadfast love with those who love him and keep his commandments, to a thousand generations, ~ Deuteronomy 7:9

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

if we are faithless, he remains faithful—for he cannot deny himself. ~ 2 Timothy 2:13

Tough questions from a 10-year old in Kids Church

These questions from a 10 year old in Kids church surprised me:

1) Did God create evil?
2) Why can't we hear God like we did in the Old Testament?
3) Why do I still want to do bad things?

We were talking about creation and the Christian perspective on how everything was created.  Her introspective questions were humbling. I'm pretty sure that adults themselves have the same questions.

The experience made me realize that we can't be afraid of the tough questions, thinking that our kids might become corrupted if they learn about how the world views such things. Young as they are, kids deserve honest and intelligent answers to honest and intelligent questions. Parents and the church have a responsibility to provide answers about our faith when our children ask them from us, and this means that we ourselves have to equipped to handle their questions in a non-overbearing way or to say "I don't know" and go back to studying and meditating when we don't know.

While we probably don't have to launch into a difficult, theological discussion with our kids, we'd still need to have the faith, skill, knowledge, and humility to explain things in a manner that's appropriate for their age. We can't just brush off an argument against evolution or explain the existence of evil by simple-minded answers when the questions get tough. With the information they can get from the Internet, children will soon realize that we don't really know what we're talking about, that we didn't even try to understand the "scientific" explanations. I realize that this is easier said than done though.

I remember our church preaching on Daniel. Daniel was taken into Babylonian captivity and was educated in Chaldean thought, but he never wavered in his faith of God. This story and the questions from the 10 year old made me realize the importance of grounding our kids in faith as they grow up. We can then have faith that their faith will stand amidst the alternative truths that the world is presenting.  Like Daniel, we have to rely on God's wisdom.  I believe that we can have an intelligent discussion with children about the world's perspective on truth at the right time. We just have to remember to teach them the Truth that is more powerful than the world's truth. Just as important, they'd have to see that we're actually living out this Truth we say we believe in. If we let the Gospel do its work in our lives and our children's lives, we don't need to fear the lies.

For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. Romans 1:16

This entry is based on my own reflections and experiences in my short time as a Sunday School teacher for 10-12 year olds. I am in no way an expert on such matters. I'd love to hear your own comments and perspectives.

Level up!

In an RPG (role-playing game), you'd have to undergo quests and battle monsters in order to level up. I love a good RPG, because there's the thrill of story, strategy,  and transformation. As you go through level after level, the "big boss" you have to battle becomes a bit meaner or a bit wiser.  In any case, there's that sense of accomplishment when you see a monster disappear and you see your strength, stamina, and other skills fill up.  Sometimes, you're even given a new ability or a new weapon.

I've often seen my life as one big RPG.  When I reflect on the past victories and the challenges I've encountered, there's that fulfillment knowing that I've somewhat "leveled-up" and gained something from the quests and battles.  The past days though, I felt that my life has been stagnant, as if someone had pressed the pause button on the game console. I fell into self-pity, blaming even the people I love the most for what was happening in my life. It was hard for me to write about this, because I see myself as a strong Christian woman and here I was falling apart and being emotional.  Where was my joy in Christ?

I shared this with my bestfriend Tiffany and after listening to me, she prayed for me. I can't forget what she said, which went roughly like this: "Lord, I pray for this beautiful woman who doesn't realize her worth in you."

I immediately started crying when I heard her words, because they were true. I had forgotten my worth in Christ, that He himself purchased me with His precious blood, that I was part of a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation. What was the daughter of a King doing?  Self-pitying and neglecting her inheritance!  Here was someone I had shared the gospel to, reminding me about what I had shared to her just months ago.

It was a humbling experience.  I remember reading that it is not the length of our walk with Christ that matters, but the depth of our walk with Him. And for the past days, I had fallen out of step with God. The experience was a wake-up call.  I had to make a decision once and for all. Was I going to allow myself to stagnate or was I going to level up?  I had been in this exact same situation before, crying because I felt that God was not giving me what I wanted.  Now, I am put in the same spot as if I hadn't learned my lesson.  Actually, I was being put in the same spot to make me realize that I still hadn't learned my lesson.

In an RPG, you die and you resurrect in the same spot...or you go back to the start.  You DON'T level up if you don't face the monster and defeat it. I had forgotten an important fact. The monsters in my life had been defeated even before, when Jesus died for me on the cross. What was required for me right now was to show up for battle and to obey, in full faith that  I will be victorious.  I wasn't a baby Christian anymore.  I couldn't run to my disciplers all the time, asking for prayers and crying whenever I faced challenges of any kind.  I know they would pray for me and help me, but I myself also had to learn how to stand on God's promises.

I have loved you with an everlasting love.

My lover is mine and I am His.

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

I will be with you.

I am with you always, to the end of the age.

It is finished.

If I feel defeated, it is not God's fault. He had already given me victory. I just chose to feel defeat.  I didn't want to level up and step out in faith.  I told Jesus that there was nothing more in this world that I wanted but be His disciple.  He answered me, come and follow me. But I was just like the rich young man who couldn't leave his worldly riches behind. Sure Jesus, I'll follow you, but can I bring this bag with me, just in case?  Well Gaby, this journey doesn't require anything but you and me. Are you still willing to follow?

I wanted to stay where I was, because I was scared of losing whatever I had. I forgot that what God has in store for me was greater than what I could ever imagine. I didn't want to believe because I didn't SEE the promise. Instead of trusting in the character of God -- that He is faithful and good -- I chose to put things under my control.

Early this year, I had prayed for many things. Two of these were,
1) a deeper relationship with God
2) Godly character -- more self-control, patience, and gentleness

When you ask God for things like this, be ready. He will test you through the fire, and He will give you exactly what you need. When I told my sister about my struggle, she told me,  and saya nga nyan eh! (that's something to be happy about!). She even sounded envious!  I thought she was crazy.  I wanted to shout, God take this cup away from me!  Until she explained that this was going to build my character.  I was surprised to hear this from her. Just like Tiffany, my sister is a younger Christian than I am.  Again, I was reminded about why the Christians around me were living victorious lives. It wasn't about who has been Christian the longest. It was because these people chose to level up. They chose to be joyful in the midst of trial, because they knew that their suffering would produce a greater faith, a better character, a deeper walk with God. They chose to level up, because they were compelled by the love of Christ on the cross. They were confident that He was going to be with them every step of the way. Our pastors always say that God doesn't guarantee His children a storm-free life. He even promises us that we will face trials and persecutions! But what he does guarantee is a storm-proof life where He will be with us.  As a book I am reading says:  Often, you'd have to choose between comfort or Christlikeness. Which one do you want?

I want to be Christlike. I don't want to stay where I am, but first I have to obey. I have to be faithful in the little things, so I can be entrusted with the bigger things.  Last year, God told me to meet him in the mountaintop just like Moses in Exodus. I thought I had reached the peak and had become content. I realize now that to think this way shows a lack of understanding about God's character. There is still so much more to know about God. You won't run out! Each day is supposed to bring a fresh revelation, a new word from Him. If I wasn't hearing from God everyday, then I have to ask myself if I'm spending enough time with Him so I could hear from Him.  Well, it seems like for the past days, all I had been hearing was myself.

I am weak.  But the bible says, When I am weak, I am strong.  It is in my weakness that God's strength will be revealed.  He will do amazing things in my life, and He will be glorified.  I have to leave behind my past victories and defeats and make room for the new things that God will be bringing into my life. I can see growing pains in my future, and I have to admit that when I focus on the "pains" part, I am shaky inside (please pray for me!).  But if it means that the prize is being closer to Jesus, then this is something I choose to go through. I pray to God that He will keep me brave, determined, and joyful all throughout.
     
 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

Alone at Worship

I went to Worship service alone for the first time in many months. Waiting for the familiar strains of the guitar to start, I remembered those first few months You felt like a stranger.

Back then, I didn't know most of the lyrics of the songs. The melodies were strange, just as much as the dancing, closed eyes, and raising of hands of the other worshipers. All I knew was that the people around me were basking in a Presence that I longed for but Who seemed so far away. You knew every part of me, but I could only touch a part of You.

I loved losing myself to the voices, guitar rifts, and drumbeats though.  I tried imagining the keyboardist's fingers gliding over the ebony and ivory, marveling at how each note seemed to float straight to heaven. I once desired being on the piano myself, just so I could feel my own Spirit intertwining with their Spirit-filled music. So I stayed even when I didn't know what words to say during the prayers; and I went Worship Night after Worship Night, even if it meant that I had to be alone.

Last night, I was alone like before but not as I was before. I could sing most of the songs with my eyes closed. The lyrics float in my mind before they could even appear onscreen. I raise my hands and long to touch Your face. Your Presence has become like that of a Friend and Lover. I am getting to know You, loving what is revealed to me day by day.  I sometimes think it's hard to love you; You love me so much and I am not even worthy. But You always come through. You assure me with words and with promises fulfilled.

I have loved you with an everlasting love...

I'm humbled by the wonder of Your majesty...One thing I know I find all I need in Your unending love, in Your unending love.

I sometimes argue with You, questioning why and when and and how and why not now.  In the end though, I still find myself running to Your arms.

Last night, I was alone. But I had You.

Relationships are formed with trust

"The key to faith is knowing the person you want to trust. Faith only makes sense with a good God. Faith only works when you realize that God is good all the time.  Christianity is not a process of blessing. It is a relationship with Christ.  You cannot have a relationship with someone you do not trust.  You cannot trust someone you do not know."

These words from Bishop Juray Mora struck me last night. Why do we falter in relationships? It is because we do not trust, and we do not trust because we don't know the person enough.

Trusting involves time, choosing to be with a person when you could be with someone else or somewhere else.  When we want to form friendships or relationships with people, we take time with them. We try our hardest to be consistent, so that they would know that we value them and respect their time.

Sadly, we sometimes fail in this department. We take people for granted, we move on from one relationship to the next, we are not sincere in our yes and in our no, we are not transparent with our intentions...and sometimes, when we are the ones who are hurt, we fail to forgive.

I guess this is the essence of why Jesus told us to turn the other cheek. To give those who hurt us the chance to start anew, to emphasize how valuable relationships and people are, to teach us how to love so deeply that we are prepared to lay down our life for another.

Out there, many hearts need healing because trust has been broken. There is one Person who offers this healing. He is Someone you and I can trust. He will never fail.

Before He formed me, He knew me.

Before I was born, He had already set me apart.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
    before you were born I set you apart;..."

He knows every strand of hair on my head and values me more than anything in the world. 

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows..."

Even before I knew Him, He chose to love me.

“I have loved you with an everlasting love;..."

Even before I could say sorry for hurting Him, He already forgave me, because He wants me to be with Him forever. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us..."

 “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life."

I pray that I would know Him more and more this year. I pray that I will spend time with Him. I pray that I will be filled with the assurance that whatever my situation is, my God is a good God.

 ^"I have not stopped thanking God for you. I pray for you constantly, asking God, the glorious Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, to give you spiritual wisdom and insight so that you might grow in your knowledge of God. I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called—his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance." Ephesians 1:16-22

The Day I Traded Work for Poetry

I was supposed to get some work done today (i.e. work that actually pays), but reading the poetry of Mary Oliver and Louis Gluck this morning seemed to have awakened the dormant poet within me.  When writers hear the metaphorical "siren's call", they have to write or the words are lost forever.  So I packed up my "real work" for a while and decided to write poetry today.

Suggested steps in reading poetry:

Read slowly and let each word roll in your mouth before swallowing.
Let the whole thing dwell where your heart beats.
Somewhat, but not all together forget.
One of these days, start again.

Reading Poetry

For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world  and lose his soul? - Mark 8:36

Reading poetry
is writing a poem
in your heart --

letting it beat into consciousness
and pour freely into the nothingness
of your very being.

It is finding your soul again,
becoming Love again
as you are when you see
with faith and are born again.

Reading poetry is renewing
oneness with what is Sacred --

you know joy;
you expect Grace

You breathe and awaken
to what had long been forgotten.

----

Viktor Shklovskly would say that poetic language defamiliarizes common things. It lets us look at this seemingly mundane world with fresh eyes. Sometimes faith seems boring compared to the lures of the world, and I pray that God will pour Himself out on me again in all His poetic splendor. I pray that I'll be reworked and reworded by grace to become His poetry.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us... John 1:14

By Richard Lyall from engageworship.org

Who's afraid of the big bad tiger?

disclaimer: no bad intentions or impressions meant on tigers...

At KIDS church last Sunday, one of the teachers asked five-year old Abby if she was afraid of tigers.

Teacher: Are you afraid of tigers?

Abby (intent on her drawing): No.

Teacher (surprised): You're not afraid of tigers?

Abby: Uhm...maybe only a little. 

(shows teacher how teeny-small little is by making a tiny space between her forefinger and thumb..then gives a big smile before triumphantly declaring...)

Because Jesus is with me!

Abby may be unsure of the intentions of the tigers that could come into her life, but she is certain of  her God.  Is my faith like that of Abby's?

The Naming

I fancy myself to be a writer.  There’s a marketplace out there teeming with opportunities for people like me.  It’s a creative process to shove what I am in the background and focus on the ones that would sell:  the techie, the businesswoman, the analyst.  I never thought I had them in me.  I look at my simulacra with wonder and ask them, “Where did you spring from?”  They’ve expanded what I am, and I greet each one like someone I’ve met for the very first time.  There are times that I enjoy playing with the various aspects of my persona.  I delight that I can take on new forms. It’s my dream to cosplay strong women characters with super powers and long hair.  I just never thought I would don the garb of a techie-guru-slash-businesswoman of sorts.  It can be fun, but today I am saturated.  And I see myself for what I really am:  a poser; a jack of all trades, master of none.

Kazuo Inamori, the founder of Kyocera and other highly successful enterprises says that one secret to success is to focus on doing one thing well.  He believes that at the heart of everything is that one truth that we’re all searching for.  I haven’t thought about it enough to believe what he believes.  But oh, how I long for that one truth in me to be free.  I don’t want to be just a writer.  I want to be named.  And this does not mean something as shallow as getting a by-line or gaining recognition.  I want to be able to write as naturally as a caterpillar spins herself into a cocoon, as languidly as a cat cradled by the afternoon sun, as bravely as a woman warrior arms herself for battle.

Sometimes, in my simulated writings, I see vestiges of who I am.  In titles like On Love Letters and VoIP and in the humor which no one except my editor will probably read. How does one weave herself completely into work?  How does one show who she really is in absolutely everything she has to do?   When inspired writing comes, is it okay to hush every other voice inside you?  They speak in whispers, all buzzing at the same time like students waiting for the professor to say something.  Are they talking to me? Are they me?

Then You come.  And You tell me You are my Truth, my Comfort and Defender, the Lover of my soul.  I can be what I am in You.  Some of my questions remain, but the turmoil has passed.

I have been named.  

Singleness: When you're single in a married world

In our culture and society, singleness seems to be acceptable only until your early twenties. I have had someone ask me, "What's wrong with you?" when he learned that I was still single. When you're single and people think it's high-time for you to get married, you can expect:

- people telling you to lower your standards
- matchmaking schemes 
- people telling you you're way past calendar age
- being pressured, because you might not have a child anymore
- being called an old maid
- feeling ugly or embarrassed
- feeling that every guy that comes along and pays you attention is a "prospect"

Some people who tell you these things or seem to make you feel bad have good intentions of course.  The married and in-a-relationship ones want you to feel the same happiness they are experiencing.  Parents and family members want to ensure that the good genes get passed on.  In short, people just want everyone, including you, to be happy.

It makes you wonder though, is singleness inferior to the married life? Because of worldly standards, single godly men and women have the tendency to compromise their godly standards.  We settle for men or women who are ungodly just so we wouldn't be lonely or feel bad because everyone around us is married or going there.  Or we date around, giving pieces of our hearts to each and every guy that comes along.  

It is a challenge for singles to remain pure physically, emotionally and spiritually. But with God's grace it is possible.  The only standards worth thinking about are the standards of God. 

"Single" is not an inferior status compared to "married"

Singleness, if anything, is a gift.  Some people are called to marriage, some people are called to singleness. The Bible does not have a "dating" status.   If you're not married, you're single.  One day, you might get married.  But until then, you're single.   The apostle Paul said that it is good for widows and the unmarried to stay single.     

1 Corinthians 7:32-35 

I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

 
Does this contradict the Adam and Eve story?  After all, God gave Adam a helpmate, Eve, because he saw that it wasn't good for man to be alone.  No.  Both singleness and marriage is a gift. Paul did not have to worry about the stresses of marriage. He could devote his time to ministry and to God. But some people function better with a tag team partner.  They can also glorify God through their relationship and their family.


Don't let singleness become the devil's foothold

The enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  He tells you that you're ugly, that you're worthless, that you're lonely. He robs you of your joy in Christ. It's also tempting to remain in or get into an ungodly relationship, or to question God when you've been single for a long time. But having a boyfriend is not the standard for you to live a full life.  Jesus Christ is the only requirement for a full life.  Are you ready to compromise Jesus Christ for a boyfriend or a husband?

2 Corinthians 6:14 

Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?

John 10:10

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

The only eternal relationship is our relationship with God 

Our relationships on earth are temporary.  We value them and treasure them, because with them, we glorify God.  In the end though, our relationship with God is only one that will last.

Mark 12:25 

For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

Matthew 22:29-30 

But Jesus answered them, “You are wrong, because you know neither the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.

It's all about God

Faith comes when we remove the focus on ourselves and focus on the God who watches over us.  Whatever status we are in -- single or married -- the point is to glorify Him. Remember God's faithfulness.  It's easy to choose a tangible person over God when God is not a personal God. But when we remember the cross and what He did to win us over, everything else fades away.  Are you single?  You are not alone.

And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the Lord. ~ Hosea 2:19-20

Birthday treats

I turned 30 something yesterday!  I say that with all the surprise of a girl who thinks she's still in her early 20s. Here's a glimpse of my special day <3

Facebook greetings from acquaintances, best friends, family, former students, former teachers, and celebrity contacts. hehe. thanks everyone!

Gifts from family, friends and from myself *huge grin*

Aside from charcoal-cooked sinukmani from my supervisor and Starbucks chocolate cake from my sister (sorry, gobbled them all before picture-taking); I also got inspiring Papemelroti words from officemate Tala, a new dress from myself haha, slobbery kisses from Shobe and Chichi, and these other yummy and crazy and beautiful things!

crazy photoshop thingy from our SEO specialist. 

Lindt Dark Chocolate from Chris and Olive. My fave brand and choco.

A new hardbound book of poems.
I don't like the title, but this is one of the best collections of poetry ever!
Louis Gluck, Margaret Atwood, William Carlos Williams, Gwendolyn Brooks, Pablo Neruda...and more!

New jeans (now in the laundry)  and shoes from my Mom.

Alice in Wonderland necklace from Ching. LOVE!

I absolutely love this!  The pages are smooth and nice to write on.
An eco-friendly journal for my quiet time with God :) 

Best parts of my day were my feel-as-fat-as-you-want KFC lunch with family and special moments like these...

My bestfriend's baby's 1st birthday.  Also Tanya's and her brothers' baby dedication.  

This darling cute boy over here is my inaanak, and his super mom is one of my bestfriends.

Juju singing  "I Will Rise" by Chris Tomlin. Love this song.
I will rise on eagle's wings/before my God/fall on my knees...

Look at all the preps she did and tell me she doesn't deserve to be awarded Birthday Mom of the Year! (thanks to Tita Beth for these pictures)

hard-at-work mommy

Finished products

Flower Power pompoms...from the love of a mom.

 Enjoyed a cool day with my high school friends at the La Mesa Dam guest house.  'twas also the first time I met Bitoy's fiancee Jackie. Welcome to the barkada girl-in-yellow Jackie! I could tell she fits right in with all our craziness.

Jackie, Bitoy, Ella and baby Gaby, Ting and Tanya, Chris, Me, Dek

Bea was in Baguio and Olive was at home studying. And Ven...she had just given birth the day before! So many nice things happening on my birthday!

Welcome to the world baby Claire! pic by Abby Venida

I spent part of the night playing with baby Gaby in the car and ended the whole day the best way possible...




WORSHIP.  
 Listen to this podcast 'Faith" by Pastor Noel Landicho.VCF Ortigas.
Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Who Was and Is and Is to come.
With all creation I sing, Praise to the King of Kings! You are my everything. And I will adore You. ~Revelation Song


Thank you God, for a great birthday.


And to you who's reading this, I leave you with this poem by a favorite poet from my new poetry book.

i thank You God for most this amazing
e.e. cummings

i thank you God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly sprites of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth.)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any -- lifted from the no
of all nothing -- human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)