The Day I Traded Work for Poetry

I was supposed to get some work done today (i.e. work that actually pays), but reading the poetry of Mary Oliver and Louis Gluck this morning seemed to have awakened the dormant poet within me.  When writers hear the metaphorical "siren's call", they have to write or the words are lost forever.  So I packed up my "real work" for a while and decided to write poetry today.

Suggested steps in reading poetry:

Read slowly and let each word roll in your mouth before swallowing.
Let the whole thing dwell where your heart beats.
Somewhat, but not all together forget.
One of these days, start again.

Reading Poetry

For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world  and lose his soul? - Mark 8:36

Reading poetry
is writing a poem
in your heart --

letting it beat into consciousness
and pour freely into the nothingness
of your very being.

It is finding your soul again,
becoming Love again
as you are when you see
with faith and are born again.

Reading poetry is renewing
oneness with what is Sacred --

you know joy;
you expect Grace

You breathe and awaken
to what had long been forgotten.

----

Viktor Shklovskly would say that poetic language defamiliarizes common things. It lets us look at this seemingly mundane world with fresh eyes. Sometimes faith seems boring compared to the lures of the world, and I pray that God will pour Himself out on me again in all His poetic splendor. I pray that I'll be reworked and reworded by grace to become His poetry.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us... John 1:14

By Richard Lyall from engageworship.org

The Naming

I fancy myself to be a writer.  There’s a marketplace out there teeming with opportunities for people like me.  It’s a creative process to shove what I am in the background and focus on the ones that would sell:  the techie, the businesswoman, the analyst.  I never thought I had them in me.  I look at my simulacra with wonder and ask them, “Where did you spring from?”  They’ve expanded what I am, and I greet each one like someone I’ve met for the very first time.  There are times that I enjoy playing with the various aspects of my persona.  I delight that I can take on new forms. It’s my dream to cosplay strong women characters with super powers and long hair.  I just never thought I would don the garb of a techie-guru-slash-businesswoman of sorts.  It can be fun, but today I am saturated.  And I see myself for what I really am:  a poser; a jack of all trades, master of none.

Kazuo Inamori, the founder of Kyocera and other highly successful enterprises says that one secret to success is to focus on doing one thing well.  He believes that at the heart of everything is that one truth that we’re all searching for.  I haven’t thought about it enough to believe what he believes.  But oh, how I long for that one truth in me to be free.  I don’t want to be just a writer.  I want to be named.  And this does not mean something as shallow as getting a by-line or gaining recognition.  I want to be able to write as naturally as a caterpillar spins herself into a cocoon, as languidly as a cat cradled by the afternoon sun, as bravely as a woman warrior arms herself for battle.

Sometimes, in my simulated writings, I see vestiges of who I am.  In titles like On Love Letters and VoIP and in the humor which no one except my editor will probably read. How does one weave herself completely into work?  How does one show who she really is in absolutely everything she has to do?   When inspired writing comes, is it okay to hush every other voice inside you?  They speak in whispers, all buzzing at the same time like students waiting for the professor to say something.  Are they talking to me? Are they me?

Then You come.  And You tell me You are my Truth, my Comfort and Defender, the Lover of my soul.  I can be what I am in You.  Some of my questions remain, but the turmoil has passed.

I have been named.  

Be free! Healing Begins by Tenth Avenue North

Do you feel like a failure? Do you feel that you should "pay" your way into heaven?  The good news is that Jesus has already freed us! This does not mean that we are going to sit by the sidelines and wait for the blessings to come. On the contrary, the love of God will overcome you so much, that you wouldn't be able to help yourself...you just HAVE to share it to the poor, to those who are crying out for justice, to those who need comfort, to those who are successful but who haven't heard about God.

I love this song by Tenth Avenue North from The Light Meets the Dark album. Our healing from all this world's brokenness and our own limited views begins when we accept the freedom Jesus brings.

Healing Begins lyrics 

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark





Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Ludy

Sunday morning service is a pleasure.  There's an air of solemnity and also a thriving anticipation of basking in God's presence.  I was sitting there by my lonesome, praying, when one of our church's ushers  plopped down on the seat next to me.  Her name was Ludy, she said.  She was small, elderly but sprightly, with an energetic twinkle in her eye.  She looked like a cool grandma.

She asked me if I was already part of a bible study group, and when I said yes, she proceeded to engage me in small talk.  She was married, for 41 years, and she and her husband were excited to go on a road trip to a hotel which had a spectacular view of the Sierra Madre Mountains. I couldn't help but feel amazed with this sixty-ish woman, who was still excited about life and about her plans and about her husband and about God.  I know many couples who just give up after a few years of marriage, and I always feel like rejoicing when married people stay married out of love.  I've also known people who at 50, feel like life has already passed them by.  Ludy was different, and I felt her passion for life just seeping through me before that early Sunday church service.

Just when we heard the first strains from the guitar and violin, Ludy jumped up. She had to welcome the other attendees in and direct them to their seats.  She said goodbye, and was about to leave me when she paused in remembrance of something.  "Wait, let me pray for you.", she said quickly. "What do you want to pray for?"  Before I could open my mouth to answer, this beautiful lady cut in and said, "A husband? Let's pray for a husband."  I didn't have time to protest.  Ludy placed a hand on my arm and rushed into spontaneous prayer, "Lord, I pray that Gaby will meet a husband.  Let him be a Christian, responsible, and handsome."

Then Ludy was gone, leaving me smiling at her unexpected prayer.

Amen.  

Solo flight: Where have all the men gone?

 Do you feel like you've been flying solo for a long time now?


I'm sure that most women have wondered where all the men have gone.  Sure, there are lots of boys out there, but their planning capacity only reaches to what they'll have for their next meal. Or they're just so scared of commitment, they just remain Peter Pans for life. So we women sadly conclude, the REAL men are all in a relationship, married or dead.

In one of my small groups, this has been a recurring topic.  We lament what we see as the lack of men, Godly men that is.  I used to think that the problem was limited to our growing campus church.  Since it's based in the province, students (men included) would usually go back to their hometowns after graduating.  The men are somewhere else, we think. But then we still don't find them wherever we are.  Are they really a soon-to-be-extinct breed?

Apparently, our "problem" is not an isolated case.  After reading Pastor Jaeson Ma's blog entry entitled The Five Pillars of Manhood and seeing the numerous agreeing comments, its obvious that our small group is not the only one ruminating on the lack of real men.  Pastor Jaeson, in his long entry, narrates how women in his church have asked the same questions then proceeds to give off a description of qualities that a real man possesses.

I have had my share of bad experiences when it comes to relationships.  Unlike some of my Christian friends, I didn't wait for a Godly man to come into my life.  My standards have always been different:

• he should be artistic
• he should be passionate
• he should have convictions
• he should make me laugh

Later on, I added: He should love his family.

There's nothing wrong with my list right?  They're all good qualities.  So why do I always end up frustrated in the end?  Yes, these are all good qualities, but I forgot the most important one, which is HE SHOULD LOVE GOD ABOVE ALL. And when I say all, that includes ME.


When a man has Godly standards,

• he will commit when he is absolutely ready to commit, and you won't have to wonder "Will you still love me tomorrow?" He loves God and knows that he's committed to take care of and love his partner
• his YES will mean YES and his NO will mean NO
• he doesn't blame you for his mistakes
• he doesn't "taste the different flavors of women" just to satisfy his curiosity or his bloated ego. He doesn't need to, because he is secure in his identity in Christ
•  he is not an emotional basketcase, because he knows he has a strong God beside him. 
• he doesn't waste his money on getting drunk, smoking, or doing drugs, because his body is a temple of God.
•  every word that comes from his mouth is a wellspring of life, because the commands of God are in his heart. 
• he dares to be different from the "boys" who make crass jokes or succumb to other peer pressure to be accepted.  He knows the only one worth pleasing is God
• he is hardworking because he does his work for God, and not for men.
• he is confident, because he does what he is called out by God to do.
• he will pursue you and marry you, because he knows that to do less than that is undervaluing your worth.
• he takes "'til death do us part" seriously.

Before you make a face and tell me that's impossible, hear me out.  I've met some Godly men. You want to know the secret?  Yes, all these things are next to impossible to do.  But it is God's grace that allows them to do all these things, not their own imperfect strength.  If you still don't think this is possible, I'll hook you up with my beautiful friend Ching who is in love with God and a Godly man.


I am not looking at Christian relationships through rose-colored glasses though. Just because two Christians marry doesn't mean that they'll live happily ever after,or that a man will never fail.  After all, a Godly man is still just a man, not a God.  IF God is in the center, I have faith that a relationship will work out REGARDLESS of circumstances.  It's easy to be happy when circumstances are just cruisin', but when everything seems to be falling apart, that's when the real test comes in. If a woman has compassion and is strong herself, she knows that there will be times when her man will stumble, and  she will have the capacity to forgive and help him get back to his feet again.


Christian or not, deep down inside, I think that many women want Godly men.  They just don't know that it is God who brings out the best in a man.  So why do some women often fall for the wrong person or don't meet the right person? Is it really because there are no Godly men out there? I want to believe that God is doing His work and ministering to a lot of men. They probably need a lot of work on their end (haha) BUT, I also think that we women need to pray about a lot of stuff on our end too:

• Let's set our standards higher.  "Kilig" or having that warm tingly feeling all over is NOT a strong enough foundation for a relationship.  We're worth more than a few text messages.
• Don't compromise Godly standards to accommodate temporary desires
• Accept when it's just NOT time for a relationship.  Believe me, it's better to wait than to be a sorry self-pitying lump when your heart gets broken.  
• Trust that God knows best.
• Let's not get too focused on looking for Mr. Right, when we ourselves aren't Ms. Right

Before we can meet a Godly man, we ourselves should be Godly women. Honestly, I am in that stage in my life now where I am just so happy that I am not married.  Not because I have a bitter view about marriage.  But because, I've realized just recently, how immature and how impatient and how lazy and how...well you get the point.  The biggest thing is that I have neglected my relationship with God for so long. I am just so joyful that for now, it is only God and me.  One day, if God is willing, maybe it will be Me+God+Mr. Right. I couldn't have realized this on my own. There are times when I get too emotional to the point of not thinking clearly.  I have my Christian friends and God to thank for the strength I have now.

I don't want to put my future in a theoretical man.  Yes, I can wait for a Godly man, but in the meantime, I don't stress about it.  My happiness doesn't depend on getting married or having a boyfriend.  Right now, I'd like to think that I'm celebrating my singleness and womanhood. It's nice to finally have the time to distribute my love to my family, friends, and pets.  Most importantly, I can focus on God.  To those who have known me for a long time, I may not be a credible speaker for this topic...and I truly don't intend to supplant whatever your pastor says. I am speaking about what God has helped me realize in my own life. I have been successively atheist, agnostic and just a free-for-all relativist for so long.  I used to sneer at Christianity and found Christians appalling, to say the least.  But let me tell you, God chased after me.  Each moment that I really and truly surrender my life to Jesus Christ, I just feel an exceeding joy.  Life is not perfect, by worldly standards, but I am secure because my happiness is not dependent on other people or on money and on things that don't last.   And because I so love my women friends and family, I just have to share this; and I also have to emphasize this, so that you can remind me the moment I falter:  Before seeking Mr. Right, seek God first. 

When you do get married to a Godly man, please inform me. I will rejoice with you, and we will celebrate.  For now though, there are so many other things we can be happy about.  With God, you won't be a mediocre missing half of a whole; you'll be most surely and awesomely complete. 

RECOMMENDED!

Listen Download Victory Podcast on Godly Relationships by Pastor Dennis Sy 



Enjoying my seasons in life... pic spam below!!! :)

music monday on a thursday: Beautiful Things by Gungor

“If leading worship is just about bringing a group of people into a room so we can get goosebumps and sing songs together, there’s not much value in that. But if leading worship is a means to an end, that we leave this place as a different kind of people, as part of a new humanity that God wants to create – the people that are caring for the widows and orphans, that aren’t bound by the systems of this world but becoming free, becoming fully engaged in our world – then that matters.” ~ Gungor



My new favorite song.  Let the lyrics speak for itself.

Beautiful Things

All this pain

i wonder if i’ll ever find my way

i’ll wonder if my life could really change at all

all this earth

could all that  is lost ever be found

could a garden come up from this ground at all

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things

out of the dust

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things

out of us

all around

hope is springing up from this old ground

out of chaos life is being found in you

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things

out of the dust

you make beautiful things

you make beautiful things

out of us

While searching for the lyrics, I stumbled upon this Wordpress blog: Visual Devotions. The artist creates web art inspired by song lyrics. Check this out; I love it.

  

When people we love hurt us

When people we love hurt us, the usual desire is to change their feelings. We think that if just strive harder, love stronger, be more positive, be more attractive, then they'll come around and stop hurting us.  Well, let me tell you something.  Love is not something that we earn by being more beautiful, being more loving, being more compatible, being more faithful, being more and more and more for the other person.  These actions are a natural outpouring of our love, but we can't force someone to return these feelings just because we felt or did these things for them.  Love is given freely to those we love.  When we love just because we're getting something out of it, then that's not love.  That's emotionally abusing the other party.

when people we love hurt us </3

The next reaction would usually be the desire to get back at the person who hurt us. We want to act all screamy bitchy and maybe, please, could you gouge his eyes out and cut open his stomach and remove all his entrails just to get some revenge?

I wanted to do that.  I wanted to shout and curse and make the other party feel the extent of my pain.  But I couldn't.  I would have done it before, but I couldn't do it now.  The command is clear: In your anger DO NOT sin.  I could tell the other person how I felt, but I COULDN'T SIN.  I couldn't run over him with a ten wheeler truck or ram him with a bulldozer.  The anger in me felt that I could though, and what's more, that I SHOULD. And to tell you frankly, I did hurt many people back with my actions and words.

I struggled with that command.  I felt that God was restricting me.  That it wasn't healthy, that God was unfair and that he didn't care because the other person was just getting away easily with every hurt that he did to me.

does God care?
credit: ilovedoodle@flickr

I couldn't accept that God was asking me to do such an unhealthy thing as repressing my feelings.  Is God really unreasonable? Does God want to restrict me and make me live abnormally?  Why would he create me with feelings in the first place if I can't act on them?

When Christians are hurt, should we just keep quiet?  I grew up thinking that aside from not sinning, I should also never ever question God when I didn't understand Him, as doing so would also be a sin.  The bible discussions I attended the past months revealed to me just how false this teaching was.   I can absolutely relate to David when he poured his heart out to God and asked,

"Will the Lord reject us forever?  Will he never show his favor again? 

 Has his promise failed for all time?" 

The prophet Habakkuk is another example, crying out to God accusingly,

"How long, O Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen?"  

Yes, in our anger we shouldn't sin.  But in our anger, we can talk to God.  We can come to him and question him and struggle with him when the hurt doesn't make sense anymore.  Most of all, in our anger and grief, we can hold on to God and be assured that He is faithful.

God does listen and answer.  God answered me, but it took a while for me to understand, because it wasn't God  who wasn't listening.   I wasn't listening.  I didn't like what God was telling me, because it went against what I wanted. I wanted the other person to love me first and love me above all, but God was telling me to love Him, my God, first and above all.  I didn't hear God, because my eyes were focused on someone else.

In other instances,  God's answer became clear at a much much later time.  I'm sure that some of you had those moments when you said, "Ah, so this why this happened! I'm so happy that it did!"

 I don't understand many things until now, but I'm glad that I don't have a blind and mute wooden replica of a God who doesn't know how I feel.  Instead, I have a God who knows how it feels to be betrayed, denied and rejected by people that He loved.  I have a God who was whipped, crowned with thorns, mocked, jeered at, and nailed to the cross.  I have a God who called out to His Father, "Why have you forsaken me?"

True Love.
credit: flamable77@deviantart

When people I love hurt me, I CAN shout, scream, gnash my teeth, and just pour out everything to my Father.  Unlike other people who'll eventually get tired of my drama (I am such a drama queen when it comes to things of the heart, and you have this post as a reference) or who would just tell me to drink myself to death and party all night or to travel to forget my problems, my God offers complete healing.  What's more, I can be assured that I will eventually be redeemed from any pain, hurt, embarrassment and failure.

Christianity is NOT about hopping bunnies, bright sunshine and colorful flowers.  Christians also get hurt, mad, and angry.  We can spend seasons in the desert or in a battle.  Being a believer does not guarantee a problem-free life, but what it does guarantee is that we will always have a great God to help us go through anything.

PSALM 130. credit: Philip Davis

My new job

The biggest surprise for me this year is that I actually like my new job. I'm presently part of the marketing group of a US-based company. My primary task is writing web content articles for the SEO team, and I'm actually enjoying it.  Here's why:

RPG mode everyday. An online marketing strategy is a lot like a role-playing game. Our goal is to get top rankings in Google search, and to do that, each player has to play his part.  The whole company is made up of marketing people, social media experts, customer support, web designers, etc. etc.  When someone does his job well, the whole company benefits.  What's more,  when we're tasked to do something, it actually goes somewhere. Efforts aren't wasted, and there are a lot of positive vibes going around. Each one plays to win and helps each other out, but there's some healthy competition too.  There's  no office gossip, because everybody's busy doing and enjoying their job.  What's more, the company's goals and plans are clearly communicated.    

go team! ragnarok guild photo from hol guild

Professional bosses.  For me, the biggest reason why the employees are professional is because the bosses are professional. Oh, our supervisors know how to have a good laugh, but they're also intelligent and know how to set the standard.  When it's work time, we work. But they also give us time to take short coffee breaks, rest our eyes, take a leave.  They don't like overtime because they don't pay you for that, which I think shows that they're fair to employees.  It's the first time that I was actually ENCOURAGED to go home and I didn't even want to.haha.And when I'm not doing anything, I actually want to be given a task, which I find really weird.  

Growing company.  Last year, the company received an award for being one of the start-up companies with the most potential to impact the world.  Everybody's excited about the future.

Perks.  I enjoy the little things, because I didn't expect them.  We have reasonable and generous employers, free coffee, free pizzas and lunches from good restaurants for meetings, and happy people to work with.

God.  Before I took this job, I prayed about it.  God asked me to take a look at my priorities and look towards the future and how it would impact other people and my relationship with God, instead of thinking only about what I want (i've been thinking only about what I want  for the past 11 years). After I accepted this job, I got a call for an interview for what I perceived was my "dream job".  I cried about that.  But a good friend and God reminded me about why I'm where I am right now.    I know that I'll get my "dream job" in God's time.

My attitude towards work.  No job is perfect. I know that I'll be experiencing more bumps along the road.  I'll probably get frustrated many times.  But this time, I'll recover with a better attitude.  God placed me here for the moment, and I can be assured that my work is lifted up to Him.   If He wants me somewhere else in the future, I'm praying that despite my hardheadedness, I would also be given the grace to obey.  For now though, chillax lang.

I honestly had hesitations about this career shift.  Since my previous work as a teacher required tons of creativity and 24/7 working hours, I was afraid that I would get bored.  Well, God is a God of surprises.  For the past weeks, He has shown me that He is my provider and that He knows exactly what He's doing.  Don't get me wrong though. Work is only a part of my life, and the rest can still be a struggle. But I have a great God, and He'll be the One to help me get through anything.

We do our work with the purpose of serving an everlasting God. We do this not to get something out of Him; we do this because we love Him. 

  

Gossip girl

I think everyone can relate to gossip.  It's interesting and even exciting to know about the lives of other people.  Either we start the gossip, join in the gossip, or become the victim of gossip.  I admit that I've done all.  Many of us unintentionally take part in gossip.  We are deceived or deceive ourselves that what we are doing is not gossip, but if you look closely, IT IS STILL GOSSIP.  

Gossip is creating stories that are not true.  But it doesn't stop there.  GOSSIP CAN BE TRUE.  When you talk about or even listen to the personal details about someone else's life, you're participating in gossip.  When you do this with malicious intent, it makes it worse.  But even if you don't, if you don't have permission to talk about it, then it is gossip.  Gossip can be disguised as casual conversation, but as long as you talk about personal details, then it is gossip.  

Gossip is closely connected to slander. When you say something which is false or damaging to someone's reputation, you're slandering the person.  

 We justify this wrong by many excuses, or we may do this unintentionally because we think the following:

- it is a way of releasing emotions. Releasing emotions is healthy right?

- we're just asking "advice" from someone else

- it's our personal form of retribution or justice.  He/She gossiped about me, I'll do the same to him/her!

 Gossip is hard to control because many find it fun and interesting.  When things get boring, we gossip.  When things get stressful, we gossip.  When we don't know what else to do, we gossip.  Gossip becomes a bonding session, a punching bag, a way of revenge and even amusement.  Before we know it, gossip has become a habit.

Sometimes, gossip can start with "this and that person is so irritating".  Even if we say things which are good about the person after a gossip/slander session, it doesn't make it any better. Let's take the following illustration as an example.  In fact, this is a usual conversation I took part in before:

A: I want to kill this-and-that person...arrrraggghh!

B: Why, what did she do this time?

A: blah blah blah @(#!!!)$)W* and blah blah blah @)@_### and you know what else??!! blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAHHH!!!!! arrrhhhggg!

C: You know, I experienced that too with her!!! I can totally relate!!!blah blah blah blah blah....

(bashing session for one hour while eating....)

B: This is why we should pray for this person.   Let's bless her.

We put more time in cursing that person than blessing her! In fact, I think the blessing just came as an afterthought.  In the end, what was left were only bitter taste of our badmouthing and foul tongues.  It was hypocrisy and we weren't even aware of it, because we were thinking that it was a "bonding" and "de-stressing" session.  We did this every time we got together, as if there was nothing else to talk about.  But at the end of the day,  WE NEVER EVEN SOLVED ANYTHING, and WE FELT EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN WHEN WE STARTED. The person was still irritating, we still hated her guts, and we were all still miserable with her presence.  We didn't know it, but this person had POWER OVER US.  She was controlling our emotions and our thoughts.

from nadeco.org

When we gossip, relationships are damaged, and some even completely fall apart.  It's hard to restore a relationship when trust is broken.  The worse thing, I think, is that gossip can take us away from things which are more important or worthy of our time.  We concern ourselves about the lives of others and judge and assume so many things when there are more worthwhile things to dwell on than "the shocking pink headband this person wore with her orange blouse and how bad her taste is in shoes and did you notice her huge earrings which just overpowers her whole face..which is an improvement actually, she should just keep that face covered all the time...that's why her husband left her even if she got a nosejob which by the way makes her whole face resemble Chucky...and I heard she's going to get bigger boobs next...as if that would make her husband come back, he's with a way younger woman now who does nothing all day but spend his money, that's why they had to rent that mousehole for an apartment....oh oh! Did you hear?!!! There's a rumor that the boss is going to finally reprimand her for her laziness! Serves her right! I have always said that she shouldn't even have been hired in the first place! You know what, I'm not really sure but I think I heard that she said that she's really irritated at you about something..didn't you notice, she wouldn't join you for lunch the other day? yeah, but you should ask her. I don't want to be the cause of gossip, you know"

There ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS than this.  Things like family, friends, faith, personal improvement, poverty, saving the whales, education, the state of the nation, the state of your heart!

Since I was also a victim AND promoter of gossip/slander, I can attest that gossip does more harm than good. There are psychological studies now that say that gossiping is healthy. But I find this self-centered.  Gossip can hurt, and sometimes, even the gossiper himself/herself is hurt by the gossiping he/she does.  I am very sorry for the times I even remotely joined in gossip.  I am just grateful that God enabled me to forgive myself, to reconnect with people I've hurt, and to pray for the people I am still irritated with. 

  

The only way to cure our gossiping and slandering is to renew our minds and our hearts.  What is in our hearts and minds will also inevitably come out of our mouths.  If we fill our minds with negativity or if we are constantly surrounded by negative people, then we will also exude negativity.  Sometimes, we cannot change our external circumstances.  Irritating and unpleasant people will always be there. We cannot control someone else's way of living. People or circumstances may be beyond our control, but there is one thing we have absolute control over -- ourselves.  Because God loves us so much, he didn't restrict us.  He gave us the freedom to choose.   We were given the freedom to choose what to listen to, what to believe in, what to absorb, who to hang out with, who are models will be.  

Admittedly, we also need to air out the stresses in our lives.  But we have to be careful about our motives and who to talk to.  Good friends will help us be stronger to deal with our struggles and will help us make right decisions...they won't fan the flames of gossip even more. 

I think it's good to be aware of the things we say that may intentionally, and sometimes unintentionally, hurt a person. Before we divulge stories, we may ask ourselves the following:

1) what are my motives for saying these things?

2)  is this true or merely assumption?

3) am I just saying these things out of anger, jealousy, irritation, etc.

4)  is this helpful or damaging? 

5) how should I phrase my words?

6) even if it's true, will it be more helpful or damaging if I say them? 

As a Christian, one of the biggest questions of course will be, will this please God?

I had to experience a lot of painful circumstances and some damaged relationships for me to think this way.  There are still times too when I falter.  My faith is one of the things which give me the hope that I may start over and be renewed in this area in my life.  It is not wrong to speak out against a wrong.  But there is a venue and place for everything.  When Jesus rebuked the Pharisees and called them hypocrites, he didn't backstab them, he did it right at their faces.  His motive was to expose a wrong, and He did all these things out of love.  Maybe even to give them a chance to change their ways. This can be attested by the gospel message.   When Jesus died, he died for all sinners, including those who persecuted Him.  He gave us the gift of salvation freely.  We just need to believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord.  

I want to be corrected for my own personal gossiping.  I cannot place myself in an isolated bubble, but I can carefully choose the friends I spend time with and the things I talk about with them.  I can also devote my energies to better pursuits like music, writing, reading, reflecting...and you know what else is fairly interesting and needs a lot of fixing up to do? MY OWN LIFE.

Bible Verse for today

But whatever goes out of the mouth comes from within, and that's what makes a person unclean. ~ Matthew 15:18 (God's Word Translation)

Bible Reflection

Are you guilty of gossip, or have you been hurt because of gossip? Pray for the people you have hurt or who have hurt you because of gossip.

Face to Face: Protestants vs Catholics

      One of my greatest fears is to be blind.  To believe in something blindly that is.   When I was a Communist, I snubbed faith, thinking that it was the surest way to intellectual blindness and stupidity.  Now, with both my whole intellect and soul, I confess that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior.

      I am not a theologian or a professional apologist (and I don't really want to be one), but I am aware of the doctrinal debates between Protestants and Catholics.  For the past weeks, these have been  on the pages of my Google Chrome:

• Is salvation by faith or works?
• Should the apocryphal books be included in the Bible?
• Do Catholics worship Mama Mary?
• What is sola scriptura? 
• What is sola fide? (and all the other solas...)
• What is the one true church?

       I read both Protestant and Catholic blogs and websites. The links have taken me to other links including biblical translation, church history, the church fathers and even to debates on whether Lady Gaga is satanist or Christian and whether we should use pi or tau in our mathematical equations. The arguments are enough to condemn me to a lifetime sentence of squinty eyes and neuron overuse.  Not to mention, to make me into an armchair Christian for life (like an armchair journalist who doesn't experience the action but just relies on others' reportage) .

      Looking at the neverending commentaries on whatever commentary there is (you'll be amazed at how the comments can spread like fungus), I can empathize with people who would dismiss faith as man's grand myth, the philosopher's stone, the biggest hoax, or opium for the masses.  I can also understand why some are turned-off by how Christians spew verbal abuse at each other and still call themselves "brother", "sister" followed by the phrase "in Christ".   I was reminded of that local TV show called Face to Face which allows guests to proclaim their dirty laundry in public and go on a cat fight afterwards.  This was Face to Face online!   I was amazed at both the eloquence and the erudition of the language (some literary, some academic and some...well the best examples of slang and text language), but at the same time, I can't help but feel disgusted by all the verbal bashing.

      Then I wondered why I was feeling this way.  Doesn't the Bible itself tell us to test the spirits and warn us of false teachers and prophets? Aren't we just doing our Christian duty when we debate and try to search for the truth?  Shouldn't I also continue my search for the truth, so that I can confirm that my faith is real?

      Doing all this thinking made me stop and think about my personal testimony.  How did I have faith?  How did I know Christ?  How do I know that what I have now is real?  I was reminded of this bible verse:

Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. Luke 6:44.

 A quick Google search showed parallel verses:

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness Galatians 5:22

My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.  James 3:12

But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds." Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. James 2:18.

      The bible is very specific about the fruits of the Spirit.   This may be a simplistic view for all other intellectuals out there who are raring to go on lengthy doctrinal expositions.  But when I see the fruits in my life, this is one way I know when I am going in the wrong or right direction. I realized that I was spending all the time poring over the debates, debating in my own head, that I have been distracted from my personal faith race with Jesus. I was also condemning people who were commenting on these doctrines (plus Lady Gaga).

     I  realized that I should also check my heart continuously whenever I go into scholarly study on doctrine or church history.   I understand that each denomination has a form of exclusivity because of biblical interpretation.   I also still believe that we should understand what we believe in.   In the midst of all these debates though, we need God's grace to do things in love and fix our eyes on Jesus who the Bible reminds us, is the pioneer and perfecter of our faith.

      My task as a Christian is to share the gospel, not to judge, condemn or convert anyone. God will do the rest of the work in that person's life, regardless of his faith.  For those who are going on a faith search, these debates may be important issues which deserve answers.  I trust though that the answers will come from God in a very personal way, edit: I HAD TO ADD THIS to guard against the dangers of putting primary experience over verifiable truth: AND IT WILL BE VERIFIED BY HIS WORD.   I may not give an adequate conclusion to this blog entry.  But I hold on to God's promise. It is not our lowly wisdom which holds the ultimate answer; it is God!

Truth is naturally divisive since it rejects what is false.  But in our defense of the truth, let's not forget that we should do so IN LOVE.  Maybe you will like this cartoon from theophilus.org as much as I did:

For I will give you words and wisdom that none of your adversaries will be able to resist or contradict. Luke 21:15

Gifts from students

One of the best parts about teaching was being the adviser of the Journalism Circle, the club which produces the school paper.  It was a break from the monotony of school routine. Even though it was extra work, I truly enjoyed the overnights with my former students during our workshops.  Every year was special because of each student, but the most enjoyable year for me was last school year. Unlike the previous years, I made an effort to organize our bonding editorial sessions in school.

serious kunwari with Layout Ed 10-11 Jerome

Even though the paper still wasn't perfect, the work was also more fulfilling because we all worked hard on it.

hot off the printer

Big smile from Managing Ed 10-11 Pau -natapos din ang paghihirap

The Journalism Circle kids hold a special place in my heart.  Even though I may be forgetful, I still remember the dedication of our sports writer Rikki Lee Mendiola, the hardwork of EIC 09-10 Guia del Valle (who was still working on the last issue of the year during her graduation),  the awesome book reviews by one of our best writers Anna Sangkal, the great layouts done by Sandra Cutay and Regina Resol, the frontpage articles of Daryl Yang and Gab Morong (the two of them could fill out a newsletter on their own), the awesome art of Maureen Bombay, the creativity of Glenn Briones,  the speed by which Jerome Tagaro learned how to layout with Adobe CS5, the commitment of Elisha Ching and Pau Milante to their work, and much much more things and much much more students.

Just this morning, I was cleaning my stuff from work and saw these.  They were gifts from my students. It amused me to see how much these kids know what would make me smile.

Caricature from Marmi Lico

I love the chibi me!

Poem from Rikki Lee <3

Scrapbook and letters from Journ 07-08, the necklace is from Camille Virtucio

I love this writing notebook from Assoc Ed 10-11 Maxine

cute doggy pen holder from EIC 10-11 Pau R.

a letter and a bunch of Ohno Satoshi and Arashi Jpop pix from Pau M.

I love this picture of Ohno Satoshi from Arashi too XD

I don't know if I ever properly thanked the Journ kids for their gifts and their commitment to the club. Being the adviser of the JC seems to be an event from long ago.  We're all doing our own stuff and most of the students are busy doing greater things in college. But I don't think I'll ever get tired of being thankful for my students.  They are God's gift to me. Years from now though, I know I'll be able to look back at this blog and remember how significant and "newsworthy" it was to be part of these kids' lives even if only for a short while :)

Going home

Today I was at a reputable University to decide on a job offer. As I passed by the school's halls, I couldn't help but take a glance at what was happening inside the classrooms. I was curious at what the professors were up to during the first week of classes.

Let me tell you that I was quite excited about this job. I felt that I liked it so much, I rescheduled another job interview with a company offering quite a high pay. Still, I couldn't help but feel a pang of envy as I watched these young professors leading their classes. Some were sitting on the tables (ahh...the benefits of being a college prof) or some were writing down course requirements on the board. The job I applied for was also connected to teaching, but it wasn't like my previous job as a high school teacher.

Anybody who has done any sincere teaching will tell you that being a teacher is special. It is not only a simple job, it is an advocacy. I love teaching. I love thinking about how I could make the complex simple, and when I fail, I love thinking and researching about how I can improve my lessons.

This year though, I had to leave teaching. I didn't have to if I wanted to, but for some reason, I just knew I had to pause for a while. I didn't want to stay where I was. I didn't want to get caught up in the daily grind for yet another school year. I had to plan and think and be more deliberate.

It was during the last months of summer that I enjoyed myself the most. I was active in church, I made new friends, I ate out a lot, I bonded with some of my students. This was the time that I focused on God the most. The joy I felt made me think that maybe I had made the wrong decision.

But all doubts were dashed when I reached home, unpacked my bags, and had a long rest in my own bed. For 11 years, I escaped from home. I wanted my freedom and independence. The circumstances haven't changed much. But now, I didn't have to escape to have freedom. The freedom I felt inside of me because of Christ was enough. I loved teaching, but if I stayed, it would be for the wrong reason. It was time to take that step of faith.

I am adjusting to being home again. I have just learned to appreciate God's comfort and provision during these silent times. Some may say I am a fool for leaving a decent job which I loved and which had all the chances for worldly promotion and reward. But my work is done there; it's time to move on.

Now, when I have breakfast with my mom everyday, and when my sister wakes me up in the middle of the night so that we could eat a choco and caramel sundae or watch a sitcom, and when I get to hug Chichi and Shobe everyday, I know that I am at the right place at the right time. And I could just thank God for this change of heart, because I never appreciated my family fully until this moment that He brought me home.

I love teaching, and God willing, I will be one of the best teachers I could be to my future students. But everything will be accomplished in God's time, not mine.

Regarding that job offer, I didn't accept it. I don't want to be arrogant, but as a good friend advised, I had to be at peace before I said yes to anything. When I heard their terms and conditions, I wasn't at peace at all. I wanted to pray and think before making a decision; they wanted me to sign the papers. Old me would have signed right away because of worry. I've learned though that making decisions on my own (without Godly friends and God) always got me into trouble.

So now here I am. And my two dogs are somewhere in this room snoring contentedly away. And I have all the time in the world to eat and write and blog and read and decide and pray. My mom's room is just at the end of the hallway, my books are within hindsight, my bible is on my own bed. I am home.

"Forget about what's happened; 

                                     don't keep going over old history.Be alert!

 I'm about to do something brand-new.

 It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is!

    I'm making a road through the desert, rivers in the badlands. 

~ Isaiah 43:18-19 (The Message Translation)

Your Amnesia Girl

I often get teased because of my forgetfulness. Forgetfulness is a hassle because I can misplace the most important things - keys, wallet, cellphone. It got so bad that some of my former co-workers would hide my stuff just to teach me a lesson. What was worse though was when they started leaving things that were misplaced on my work desk. They thought it was but natural to assume that these misplaced things were mine. I found a drumset stand on my desk once...that was really weird because I DON'T play the drums. You might think that it's nice that I get to keep some cool stuff. It's not so cool though when you find some dirty men's long shorts on your table. No siree. That wasn't a pretty sight (and don't ask me how I managed to get it off my desk).

Being forgetful can also get embarrassing. I remember people's faces easily, so I'm being honest if I smile in recognition. But I'm really bad with names. You can imagine the agony when I have to introduce people.

Scenario: Abby Gaby with friend meets acquaintance on the road...

AG: Hi~! (rapidly searching brains for roster of names)

Acq: Gaby!!!

AG: Hi...errr...hi~! 'musta? (has to make a quick decision..introduce friend or not?)

AcQ: I'm okay! You?

AG: Ok din! (praying for an interruption)

After a few seconds of awkward silence (the decision DOES NOT come quick at all)....

AG: Ummm this is...(name of friend)

AcQ: Hi (name of friend)

AcQ continues smiling, waiting to be introduced

AG: Well...nice seeing you! See you around okay? Bye!!! (runs off quickly, dragging friend with her)

This is why I can understand it when people forget MY name. I can empathize with the moment, so don't you guys worry.

Forgetfulness is not really an admirable quality. It's something that God is still working on with me. Still, there are times when I can be grateful for my forgetfulness. When I tell you that I've forgotten a hurt, I can assure you that I've really forgotten it. We can sincerely be friends again. Or I can sincerely forget that we've been buddies in the past...the emotions have also been forgotten. Being forgetful helps me forgive; it helps me move on and celebrate what is ahead.

I can be thankful to an important Person for this forgetfulness that helps me let go of regrets and petty emotions. Many times though, I forget Him. I denied Him many times. I thought it insulted my intelligence to believe in Him. The Literature major that I am believed Him for a myth, etched in man's archetypal memory.

He continued to chase after me though. Until now, He draws me to Himself until everything but Him can just fade away into my forgetfulness.

This Man on the cross did not just forgive me. He took all my wrongdoings upon Himself. People might ask how I know that He is real. I know because I've walked with Him. I know because I've come to believe in His word. I know because I've experienced His faithfulness. I know because I can see the changed lives of those who believe. I know because I've tasted and felt how it is to be loved deeply by Him. He is the only One who will assuredly never forget forgetful me.

"So heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

when I think about the way

that He loves us..."

~ How He Loves Us, David Crowder Band

Can a woman forget her nursing child? Will she have no compassion on the child from her womb? Although mothers may forget, I will not forget you.~ Isaiah 49:15 (God's Word Translation)