Gossip girl

I think everyone can relate to gossip.  It's interesting and even exciting to know about the lives of other people.  Either we start the gossip, join in the gossip, or become the victim of gossip.  I admit that I've done all.  Many of us unintentionally take part in gossip.  We are deceived or deceive ourselves that what we are doing is not gossip, but if you look closely, IT IS STILL GOSSIP.  

Gossip is creating stories that are not true.  But it doesn't stop there.  GOSSIP CAN BE TRUE.  When you talk about or even listen to the personal details about someone else's life, you're participating in gossip.  When you do this with malicious intent, it makes it worse.  But even if you don't, if you don't have permission to talk about it, then it is gossip.  Gossip can be disguised as casual conversation, but as long as you talk about personal details, then it is gossip.  

Gossip is closely connected to slander. When you say something which is false or damaging to someone's reputation, you're slandering the person.  

 We justify this wrong by many excuses, or we may do this unintentionally because we think the following:

- it is a way of releasing emotions. Releasing emotions is healthy right?

- we're just asking "advice" from someone else

- it's our personal form of retribution or justice.  He/She gossiped about me, I'll do the same to him/her!

 Gossip is hard to control because many find it fun and interesting.  When things get boring, we gossip.  When things get stressful, we gossip.  When we don't know what else to do, we gossip.  Gossip becomes a bonding session, a punching bag, a way of revenge and even amusement.  Before we know it, gossip has become a habit.

Sometimes, gossip can start with "this and that person is so irritating".  Even if we say things which are good about the person after a gossip/slander session, it doesn't make it any better. Let's take the following illustration as an example.  In fact, this is a usual conversation I took part in before:

A: I want to kill this-and-that person...arrrraggghh!

B: Why, what did she do this time?

A: blah blah blah @(#!!!)$)W* and blah blah blah @)@_### and you know what else??!! blah blah blah blah blah BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAAAAAHHH!!!!! arrrhhhggg!

C: You know, I experienced that too with her!!! I can totally relate!!!blah blah blah blah blah....

(bashing session for one hour while eating....)

B: This is why we should pray for this person.   Let's bless her.

We put more time in cursing that person than blessing her! In fact, I think the blessing just came as an afterthought.  In the end, what was left were only bitter taste of our badmouthing and foul tongues.  It was hypocrisy and we weren't even aware of it, because we were thinking that it was a "bonding" and "de-stressing" session.  We did this every time we got together, as if there was nothing else to talk about.  But at the end of the day,  WE NEVER EVEN SOLVED ANYTHING, and WE FELT EVEN MORE ANGRY THAN WHEN WE STARTED. The person was still irritating, we still hated her guts, and we were all still miserable with her presence.  We didn't know it, but this person had POWER OVER US.  She was controlling our emotions and our thoughts.

from nadeco.org

When we gossip, relationships are damaged, and some even completely fall apart.  It's hard to restore a relationship when trust is broken.  The worse thing, I think, is that gossip can take us away from things which are more important or worthy of our time.  We concern ourselves about the lives of others and judge and assume so many things when there are more worthwhile things to dwell on than "the shocking pink headband this person wore with her orange blouse and how bad her taste is in shoes and did you notice her huge earrings which just overpowers her whole face..which is an improvement actually, she should just keep that face covered all the time...that's why her husband left her even if she got a nosejob which by the way makes her whole face resemble Chucky...and I heard she's going to get bigger boobs next...as if that would make her husband come back, he's with a way younger woman now who does nothing all day but spend his money, that's why they had to rent that mousehole for an apartment....oh oh! Did you hear?!!! There's a rumor that the boss is going to finally reprimand her for her laziness! Serves her right! I have always said that she shouldn't even have been hired in the first place! You know what, I'm not really sure but I think I heard that she said that she's really irritated at you about something..didn't you notice, she wouldn't join you for lunch the other day? yeah, but you should ask her. I don't want to be the cause of gossip, you know"

There ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS than this.  Things like family, friends, faith, personal improvement, poverty, saving the whales, education, the state of the nation, the state of your heart!

Since I was also a victim AND promoter of gossip/slander, I can attest that gossip does more harm than good. There are psychological studies now that say that gossiping is healthy. But I find this self-centered.  Gossip can hurt, and sometimes, even the gossiper himself/herself is hurt by the gossiping he/she does.  I am very sorry for the times I even remotely joined in gossip.  I am just grateful that God enabled me to forgive myself, to reconnect with people I've hurt, and to pray for the people I am still irritated with. 

  

The only way to cure our gossiping and slandering is to renew our minds and our hearts.  What is in our hearts and minds will also inevitably come out of our mouths.  If we fill our minds with negativity or if we are constantly surrounded by negative people, then we will also exude negativity.  Sometimes, we cannot change our external circumstances.  Irritating and unpleasant people will always be there. We cannot control someone else's way of living. People or circumstances may be beyond our control, but there is one thing we have absolute control over -- ourselves.  Because God loves us so much, he didn't restrict us.  He gave us the freedom to choose.   We were given the freedom to choose what to listen to, what to believe in, what to absorb, who to hang out with, who are models will be.  

Admittedly, we also need to air out the stresses in our lives.  But we have to be careful about our motives and who to talk to.  Good friends will help us be stronger to deal with our struggles and will help us make right decisions...they won't fan the flames of gossip even more. 

I think it's good to be aware of the things we say that may intentionally, and sometimes unintentionally, hurt a person. Before we divulge stories, we may ask ourselves the following:

1) what are my motives for saying these things?

2)  is this true or merely assumption?

3) am I just saying these things out of anger, jealousy, irritation, etc.

4)  is this helpful or damaging? 

5) how should I phrase my words?

6) even if it's true, will it be more helpful or damaging if I say them? 

As a Christian, one of the biggest questions of course will be, will this please God?

I had to experience a lot of painful circumstances and some damaged relationships for me to think this way.  There are still times too when I falter.  My faith is one of the things which give me the hope that I may start over and be renewed in this area in my life.  It is not wrong to speak out against a wrong.  But there is a venue and place for everything.  When Jesus rebuked the Pharisees and called them hypocrites, he didn't backstab them, he did it right at their faces.  His motive was to expose a wrong, and He did all these things out of love.  Maybe even to give them a chance to change their ways. This can be attested by the gospel message.   When Jesus died, he died for all sinners, including those who persecuted Him.  He gave us the gift of salvation freely.  We just need to believe in our hearts and confess with our mouths that Jesus is Lord.  

I want to be corrected for my own personal gossiping.  I cannot place myself in an isolated bubble, but I can carefully choose the friends I spend time with and the things I talk about with them.  I can also devote my energies to better pursuits like music, writing, reading, reflecting...and you know what else is fairly interesting and needs a lot of fixing up to do? MY OWN LIFE.

Bible Verse for today

But whatever goes out of the mouth comes from within, and that's what makes a person unclean. ~ Matthew 15:18 (God's Word Translation)

Bible Reflection

Are you guilty of gossip, or have you been hurt because of gossip? Pray for the people you have hurt or who have hurt you because of gossip.